First Choices

Something happened today that made me remember how I am never anyone’s first choice. I know this is something that has been I have been conditioned to think over the past years. It has been a constant thing that goes hand in hand with people always cancelling plans and never actually wanting to hang out with me. Today, I kept thinking “Well maybe if I wasn’t so nice..” “Maybe I should just start being colder..” but, thinking back to these thoughts that’s not me at all. I have never been someone who people have thought of as “cold”. I have always been known to be pretty friendly and talkative with people. I think that has been my downfall for my teen years. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself so, I allowed people to walk all over me. That has effected my mental health still to this day. Thankfully, as I have gotten older I have learned how to stand up for myself and demand my seat at the table. This is not to say that I don’t have my insecurities because I can promise I have so many. I just know when to draw the line now I think.

The thing that happened today should not have been a big deal and I am not mad at the person. They had good reasons for cancelling plans but, it just reminded me of that inner dialogue I have been battling for so many years. I think that today was just the thing that made everything feel like it was falling apart. This week has been one of the most stressful of my life because of the American College system (that’s for another blog post) so, I think I was just looking forward to that thing today. It was going to be something that was going to make me smile through this very stressful week.

This is not to say that I didn’t do anything tonight. I ended up going to a place where you paint your own plates, mugs, etc. with some of my other friends with school. That was able to make today better than it had been earlier.

The one thing that really stood out to me today was that I didn’t cry. One thing to know about me is that I am a crier. I cry over anything and everything but, not today. I put on my “self love” playlist on Spotify (which I’ve linked below) and was listening to “Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself” by Jess Glynne. I just closed my eyes and really listened to what Jess was singing about. That song is one of my go-to songs when I am feeling down. It is a song that helps get my mind out of that rut.

PS: I’ve been listening to the new album by Greyson Chance while writing this and I would like to say it is great music for writing.

Self Love Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/madi_white13/playlist/7oXN37UrMjALMNWoTvJ46z?si=yc5k4FDxR9iLfBnWRaS3Iw